Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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