Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
