PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
