i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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