Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
