Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
