I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
