my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
