i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
