I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
