That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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