So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
