I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
