so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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