she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
