she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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