thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize