I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
