Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
