Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
