ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
