I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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