So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
