Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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