My liver just broke up with me...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
