i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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