first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
