coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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