You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
