Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
