And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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