Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
