I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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