I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
