We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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