Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
