My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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