If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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