You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
