I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
