I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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