I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
