You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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