my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
