You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
