i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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