I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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