No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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