there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
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