He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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