I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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