Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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