u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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