i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We just shotgunned beers for America
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
