i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's always time for handjobs
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
